Jenny D
19 April 2014 @ 11:25 am
I have this fascination with advice sites - there's something about reading about what questions people ask total strangers to help them with that just draws me in. A lot of the advice given (and questions accepted) is horrible, but the few I've found that are good are really good. Pride of place here is of course given to Captain Awkward, whose compassion and thoughtfulness and lovely commenters are simply brilliant.

Today I got another glimpse of brilliance, this time from Carolyn Hax. A young woman asks how to handle her relationship with her boyfriend, who is apparently perfect in every way except that he uses her past sexual relationships to bludgeon her into doing things she's not comfortable with. In the midst of advice (which is a more sensitively phrased version of "run, fast and far, and hope never to see him again"), there was this paragraph:

When I read “he loves to throw things in my face” exactly one sentence after, “I’ve never had a better friend in the world,” I just want to cry for how low you’ve set your friendship bar.

I wish I'd understood this when I was much younger. I had friends as well as "lovers" who hurt me so badly, and I couldn't untangle my desire for them to be good from the fact that they actually weren't any good.

I often like Carolyn Hax. This time I love her a little. And the woman who asked - I love her a lot, and wish I could just download all the stuff I've had 20 more years than her to learn, so she wouldn't have to go at it the hard way. Which, when at their best, Captain Awkward and Carolyn Hax are trying to do, and that is why I go back and read their stuff. Originally posted at - please feel free to comment either here or at, whichever suits your fancy!

Current Mood: pensivepensive
Jenny D
21 December 2013 @ 05:26 pm
Title: Informed Consent
Author: Jenny Dybedahl
Fandom: Person of Interest
Pairing: John Reese/Harold Finch
Code: Gen/pre-slash
Comment: After 1x18, "Identity Crisis"
Informed ConsentCollapse )
Originally posted at - please feel free to comment either here or at, whichever suits your fancy!
Current Mood: artisticartistic
Jenny D
25 December 2012 @ 12:14 pm
A friend of mine got worried the other day - she received an email from her own address, with no subject. She thought somebody had gotten into her email account and sent the message from there, possibly using it to spam or otherwise attack her friends, too.

This is almost certainly not the case. Here's a short explanation of how it works:

Anybody can use any email address at all as the sender address when sending an email, just like anybody can write any return address they like on a piece of paper mail.

Here's the far longer explanation of how it works:

There are two places to specify the sender (and recipient) of an email. One is used by the mail server handling the mail, the other is what you see when you look at the mail in your mail client.

The one used by the mail server is called the "envelope sender" (and "envelope recipient"). If you compare it to a paper mail, it's what it sounds like - it's the sender/return address (and recipient address) that is written on the outside of the envelope. They are usually, but not always, the same address that you will see in when you look at the actual piece of mail. Again, compare to a paper mail - it's entirely possible to send a paper with somebody else's address, but then put it in an envelope with your address on it. Then the paper will be delivered to you, but when you open the envelope and look at the actual piece of mail, you see that it's not your name on the paper. The difference is that with email, you usually don't see the envelope unless you tell your email client to show it to you. (How you do that will of course depend on what email client you're using.)

Originally posted at - please feel free to comment either here or at, whichever suits your fancy!
Current Mood: geekygeeky
Jenny D
23 September 2012 @ 08:17 pm
I play WoW on a role playing server. In theory, this means that players should build characters that have actual character and history, and all conversations that are audible/legible to others should be spoken as the character, not the player. So if someone asks how your day was, you may be talking about the nice weather in Thunder Bluff rather than the rain in Stockholm.

In practice, of course, most people don't bother. But today, as I was hanging around the mailbox in Orgrimmar, a goblin came up to me and smiled hesitantly. I raised my eyebrows at him. He politely asked if I could possible give him transportation, since mages have the ability to make teleports available for others. He offered to pay me; I declined, saying that I thought curiousity and an interest in other cultures should be encouraged. Then I gave him his portal to Dalaran, and he bowed a goodbye before leaving.

It took all of two minutes, and it left me smiling.

Originally posted at - please feel free to comment either here or at, whichever suits your fancy!
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Jenny D
23 September 2012 @ 10:20 am
Today, as usual, I was playing WoW while having my breakfast. I was doing dungeons and got in a good group for Deadmines. We did an achievement, which went well, and managed to get in some conversation between the fights. The tank and healer were both very good and the other dps were about my level, so it worked out nicely.

Now, in Deadmines, once you've killed the actual Deadmines boss, the daughter of the previous Deadmines boss shows up. She's not in a good mood; she poisons the group, sending them off somewhere. As soon as she came up, the healer said:

Here comes the rape.
Get back in the kitchen, bitch!

At which point I said "sigh", and dropped group. I just don't have the energy for another one of those conversations - the ones where you spend at least half an hour explaining that no, rape isn't a "traditional gaming term", and yes, it does actually hurt to read that in a random conversation, and yes, throwing gendered insults around is really hurtful and no, "just a joke" isn't a defense unless you're four years old, in which case you shouldn't be playing WoW anyway.

It wears me down.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Jenny D
20 March 2011 @ 09:43 pm
Prime Diamond finally complained enough that I helped him update his journal. He mentioned something about knowing some o the stable cats are amenable to bribes and he's sure they could think of some way to convince me, probably having to do with dead rats, so I bowed to necessity. You can read it at his journal.
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Jenny D
14 March 2010 @ 09:03 pm
I have had such a wonderful day today!

My riding club had arranged a Pay&Jump. That's essentially a non-competition jumping meet - there is no placement list or winner, you don't get any rosettes or anything, but you do get to jump a proper set of fences in a new environment, so for many people it's good training before the season begins. The rules are a bit more lax too, in a regular competition you aren't allowed to continue if the horse has refused a fence more than three times but at the P&J it's up to the judge how long they can be allowed to try. Also you can get help to get the horse across (e.g. by someone leading the horse or egging it on), or get a fence lowered a little. Since quite a few horses have learned to count to three, knowing that after the third stop they get to go out and won't have to jump anymore, it's very useful to let them continue on. Some of them looked very surprised indeed...

There was one incident with a horse that kept baulking at the fences, where the rider got frustrated and started using her whip too much. You're allowed to use the whip as an aid; that is, to indicate with a light touch that the horse should do something. This rider got frustrated and unhappy when her horse refused fence after fence and gave him a sharp touch with the whip after he'd refused. I told her to use the whip only as an aid and not as a punishment, and she got over the fence on the fourth try. When she rode up to the next fence she started whipping the horse on the way up to the fence, and as she did it without switching the reins to one hand, she was also pulling on the rein on the side where she held the whip. The horse, unsurprisingly, refused, and she used the whip again. At that point I had to tell her that since she kept using the whip in the wrong way I was excluding her. I let her jump one more fence - without using the whip - so they wouldn't end with a refusal, since that is a bad memory to leave the horse. She was of course very unhappy, but I feel very sure that I ddi the right thing. After all, she will want to go to actual competitions later, and that sort of thing will get her thrown out of those, too - better to learn early and in a non-competitive environment!

When it was all finished, I got a ride back to our own stables (the event was held in an arena several kms off). I got to meet my darling Diamond again. I wasn't sure he'd remember me, after all he's still young and it's been five months since I saw him. When I came to his stall and opened the door, he walked up and put his head against me and demanded to be skritched behind the ears and on the throat, just as I've been doing since he was a few days old. He kept bumping me with his nose and wanting more skritches and seemed very happy to see me again. So was Skutt, by the way. He was at the P&J, and while he and [personal profile] gnapp were in the collecting ring he heard my voice, and immediately turned towards me. That was nice.

The horse I fell off of five months ago also remembered me. When I went to her stall, at first she came up and was all "oh, there you are, cuddles now plz!" After a few minutes of that she decided that no, she didn't like me because I'd abandoned her, and went off to the other corner of the stall to sulk. I do look forward to being able to work with her again - so, I suspect, do most other people in the stables as she's been getting to be difficult to handle due to her being bored from not getting to work. Her owners have started working her a little, but they really don't have enough time to give her the attention she wants, so it'll be nice for everyone when I get back.

After that, I went with [personal profile] gnapp and her husband to have dinner at one of our favourite hamburger places. One of the staff also rides and she came over to talk about horses and accidents. Then they drove me home and I got back shortly after 8 pm, having been gone for twelve hours.

In all, it was a lovely, lovely day!
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Jenny D
17 February 2010 @ 02:36 pm
It turns out that the venue does have elevators. The organiser apologised for not having checked, and thanked me and the (AFAIK ablebodied) other woman who'd been checking the place.

The organiser also said that she'd assumed that a large place would be accessible. I pointed out that yes, one would like to be able to assume that, much as one would like to think that a major software company wouldn't sell operating systems with large security flaws.

In other news, in theory there's no difference between theory and practice...
Current Mood: grumpygrumpy
Jenny D
There's this thing called "Geek Women Unite". It's something I'd very much want to be a part of, given that I'm a geek woman. And the Stockholm group has planned a meet-up tomorrow.

The event is booked into a restaurant. I asked at the facebook discussion thingy whether anyone knew if the place is wheelchair accessible. Got the reply (not from the organiser) that "there are stairs, I suppose there are elevators but you'd better call and ask them." I check the web page of the restaurant; they have pretty pictures of the different rooms and they keep mentioning staircases.

Go down the stairs to this room. Go up the stairs to that one.

There is no mention of elevators. There isn't the slightest note aobut how accessible the place is.

I've written to the restaurant, asking them about accessibility and suggesting that they put some information about it on their web site - that is, if they are at all interested in welcoming those guests.

I can't say I feel very welcome at the Stockholm GWU either, considering how and where this meeting was arranged.

True, if I wait a couple of months I'll probably be able to negotiate any stairs using crutches, or maybe even just the cane - but I won't be comfortable in an environment that excludes other geek women because the organisers can't be bothered to consider accessibility when choosing a venue.

I am so, so tired.
Current Mood: angryangry
Jenny D
16 January 2010 @ 08:39 pm

Yesterday I had a checkup appointment for the leg. It turned out the fracture on the shinbone still shows no sign of healing. That means I had two options - I could wait for two months to see if it would heal on it's own, or I could have another operation scheduled asap. The doctor said there was a 25% chance of it healing in two months, and if it didn't we could schedule the operation then.

I asked to have the operation scheduled. That should be within a month, and afterwards it will take 4 weeks for me to get back to walking on crutches, and another 3 months after that until I'm reasonably well again. So now at least I have some idea of how long it'll take for me to heal, which is a relief!

If I understood the doctor correctly, the bones haven't been quite stable - they've been shifting enough too prevent them joining together, so instead of growing new bone tissue there's been scar tissue forming around the fracture. During the operation they will remove the scar tissue, take some bone tissue from my hip and put it at the fracture, and replace the 12 screws with a metal plate. That will make it more stable and help it heal up.

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